Sunday, November 7, 2010

Scary Single Stories

So this weekend I returned to NEPA (Northeastern PA) to attend a benefit for a friend with lymphoma. (The benefit went really well and he is officially in remission so there was lots to celebrate.) I was there less than 24 hours, but no worries all of the creepers in the greater Wilkes-Barre area were notified of my arrival. I would like to give you 3 examples of why I have left that area. These are perfect illustrations of how not to pick up a girl and/or of knowing when to quit.

Exhibit A - It was very crowded at this establishment and moving from place to place was a little cozy. In trying to get through the crowd, I had to pass by this rather chubby man. I only remark on his weight to point out that he protruded quite a bit into my walkway. The first time I passed him he stated that it was ok if I were to rub up on him. Yuk. The second time I was instructed that I should give him some love. The third time I was informed we would be dating if we met like this again. Needless to say I avoided him for the rest of the evening.

Exhibit B - I see my friend Kate (from high school) few and far between so when we are together we are constantly catching up on each other lives. We were involved in a in-depth conversation away from all the action of the bar when a lone soldier (aka helpless idiot) came up to us.  He nicely started some small talk, such as where are you from, what do you do, etc.  Unfortunately Kate was in the middle of telling me a story, which is exactly what we told this guy and then continued talking to each other.  Apparently this did not deter him as he promptly interrupted again.  This continued for about 5 minutes until we bluntly told him to go away as we were considering lesbianism.

Exhibit C (the Creepiest) - Approximately 15 minutes after Exhibit B ended, another guy approached us. Kate had finished telling me the aforementioned story, so we were more willing to consider his interruption. He opened with, "So I heard you guys are from New York and New Jersey." We confirmed this then asked if the other guy was his friend; did he tell you this. He said no. He had literally just heard us. As in he had been listening to our conversation the entire time. After this we stood up and left the area.

Jersey (so far) is not as crude or scary as NEPA was this evening. I am considering wearing a fake wedding ring out next time I am in that area.