PSA

I am not a parent. And these are really more personal gripes than anything. But I deal with ridiculous parents and children on a daily basis (and my teenagers have been especially bad recently), so I need to vent. Hopefully, someone will be able to benefit a little from my ramblings.

Children are like pets. They need to be taught right from wrong. This is not accomplished by kindly explaining to a child (any age 2-20) what was wrong about their actions. What they learn from this scenario is: I have to listen to my mom ramble for a few minutes then I can go back to doing exactly what I want to do. They need to be punished. They need to be put in a corner. They need to have their toys or cell phones or televisions taken away. This way they learn when I do something wrong I suffer. I promise you that no one will call DYFS (Dept. of Youth and Family Services) on you for doing this.  This should start very young, because (I promise you) if it doesn't I will be taking care of your pregnant or drugged or expelled teen later.

Again, I am not a parent. However, I do have the sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll talk with any kid over 13 at least once a day. I am going to be very practiced when it really is my turn to talk about it. I can also assure you that the time to talk about sex and drugs with your child does not start at 13. It starts at 1. Children need to know that you are in charge and there are consequences (to them) when your rules are not followed. This will set them up to understand that there are consequences for all their actions. Teenagers, in particular, tend to develop what I like to call the invincibility complex. It is an age of feeling like no matter what you do, nothing bad will happen. This is not true (obviously). A child with a  background of consequential punishments will be much more likely to grasp that sex without a condom equals pregnancy or smoking pot equals failing your drug test. The second part to this is you also must talk to them. As embarrassing as it may be from you to say "gonorrhea" in front of your son/daughter, it will be far worse for them. Suck it up and don't be scared of your teenager. Whether or not you think you had an impact, they will think of your talk before saying yes to drugs. For the record, this does not mean they will say no. It does mean that odds are good that they will talk with you about it either before or after making their decision.

For those who wanted a glimpse into my daily doctoring life: welcome. Currently it is not so glamorous. I am the "mother" of multiple pregnant, expelled, or drugged up teens. I am also a hypocrite. I am very comfortable with this. I tell all my patients to never smoke, to wait until they are 21 to drink, and that they should be thinking of marriage and children when they have sex.

To all my friends - please punish your existing and future children. Come be a hypocrite with me. They will love you for it when they make it to 20.